


We Are But Mortals

by Sefiru



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Biker Hagrid, Draco is a handsome douche, Dumbledore's horrible fashion sense, F/M, Fawkes fast travel, Goth - Freeform, Greater Good Dumbledore, Humor, M/M, Music, Nicknames, Pureblood Prejudice, References to My Immortal, Rescue, fanfic of a fanfic, goth Harry, goth hermione, teen drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:41:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28780662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sefiru/pseuds/Sefiru
Summary: In which one girl's music obsession is the bridge between the Houses of Hogwarts ... and the Power of Rock just might be the power that Voldemort knows not. (Or, the My Immortal rewrite no one asked for.)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

I’m on my way back from the greenhouses after a last-minute Herbology assignment; I’m drenched in that half-snow half-rain goop that’s a Scottish specialty, and I’m looking forward to a nice hot breakfast. I reach the castle doors and vanish the slush from my cloak. Some of my _lovely_ housemates are hanging around the entrance hall. They hiss slurs at me; I flip them off. It’s just another day at hoggy warty Hogwarts.

I reach the Great Hall with my sanity intact and grab a seat beside Tracey and Daphne. I help myself to porridge, bacon, eggs – there’s even some blood orange juice left, and that’s my favourite. Further down the table, Draco is shooting glances at me. I wonder why; six years here and he’s never given me the time of day. He might be a stuck-up pureblood, but the platinum blond hair, and the ice blue eyes, and I am digressing so much right now.

The post-owls swoop into the hall; one of them is carrying a familiar flat square parcel, but to my surprise it lands in front of Draco instead of me. He’s never shown signs of being into music before. I lean over to eavesdrop.

“… Not as widely known as they should be,” he’s saying. “They must be talented wizards to make insects sing so well.” He unwraps the parcel to reveal the cover of Abbey Road. OMG he’s talking about the Beatles, I’m _dying_. I bite my lip so hard I draw blood.

Draco turns to me and says, “Ennie, would you kindly lend us your player?”

“Sure!” I reach into my school bag for my most prized possession: a spring-wound portable phonograph. (My dad gave it to me as a going-to-Hogwarts present. _‘At least you’ll have vinyl’_ is what he said.) I unshrink it and set it on the table, then slide the record out of its sleeve. It’s pristine, not a scratch or smudge on it. “Draco, I want to bear your children,” I say flatly.

“My, how forward of you, Miss Way. Shall we say Hogsmeade, this Saturday?”

“Hell yes!” I squeal. I’m not so distracted that I forget to put the disc on the turntable, though. “ _Sonorus!_ ” I drop the needle, and a classic rock beat fills the hall. Oldies aren’t my usual thing, but the Beatles are in a league of their own. I hop up on the table to dance along.

“Well, I never!” Professor McGonnagall is glaring at me from the end of the table. “Such an outrageous display has no place in the Great Hall. Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way! Twenty points from Slytherin!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because sometimes, the only way to parody something is to play it straight. (Counter-parody? Anti-parody?)
> 
> Yes, the classic _My Immortal_ has received endless amounts of mockery, but I always thought it had good bones. So I did as fic writers do and decided to see what I could make of it.


	2. Chapter 2

When parents name their child something like Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, there are only two ways for that child to turn out, and I went all in. Black wardrobe, skull jewelry, purple-steaked hair, the works. When I discovered Blood Pops in Diagon Alley, it was love at first sight. Or love at first _bite_. (I crack me up.) I take one out of the coffin-shaped tin and suck on it while I get ready for my date with Draco. Black leather and fishnets are definitely the way to go. I add a charm that makes it look like blood is dripping from my wrists. 

Draco meets me in the Slytherin common room; he’s in dragonhide trousers and a flowing black silk shirt, nice. He looks me up and down appreciatively. “I must say, Ennie, for a mu … Muggleborn, you have a remarkable grasp of Pureblood fashion.”

I don’t have the heart to tell him the truth: that on my family’s summer pilgrimage to Broadway, I went a bit wild at Hot Topic. Instead I say, “We go to school in a castle and sleep in a dungeon. Anyone who doesn’t get how goth that is has no soul.” I glance at the corner where Pansy Parkinson is giggling with her friends, dressed in pink chenille. “Case in point.”

Draco smirks. “You’re a credit to your origins, Ennie.”

Ugh. But for those cheekbones, I’ll put up with it. We walk down to Hogsmeade together, and Draco leads me to a part of town I haven’t been to before. “Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise.” The door he takes me to looks like it leads to a cellar, but I can feel the bass pounding behind it. I grin. It’s a literal underground dance club, full of black-clad bodies, and on the stage – 

“Hang on, is that Good Charlotte?”

“It’s an illusion,” says Draco. “Can’t go about kidnapping Muggle musicians, more’s the pity. Do you like them?”

“They’re only my second-favorite band _ever_.” I drag him onto the dance floor.

It’s dark out by the time we leave, and probably past curfew. There’s a gibbous moon hanging overhead, and, hopefully, bats fluttering nearby. I sigh happily. “The only thing today is missing is a ride in a fast convertible.”

Smirking, Draco snaps his fingers, and a silver convertible flies up to us. For hating Muggles, he sure loves their toys. “I don’t want to know how illegal this is,” I tell him.

“Oh, about three hundred galleons a year.” He opens the door for me and we fly off towards Hogwarts. Instead of the front doors, though, Draco Lands at the edge of the Forbidden Forest.

“What are you doing?”

Draco snaps his fingers again and the car drives itself off. “You did say you wanted to bear my children, Miss Way.”

“Not while I’m in school! … I guess we can at least practice.” He kisses me, I unbutton his shirt, and I’ll tastefully fade to black here. (See, I do too have taste, _Pansy_.)

We’ve just finished, and we’re catching our breaths, when we hear a shout:

“What are you doing, you motherfuckers!” It’s .....................................................................................................................

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, Ennie; Good Charlotte is far superior to MCR.


	3. Chapter 3

.............................................................................. Professor Sprout! “Now that I have your attention, dears,” she continues crisply, “Get dressed and come with me, please.” She takes us straight to the headmaster’s office, where Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape are all waiting. Dumbledore starts in on us right away.

“This behaviour is extremely disappointing from both of you. Out after curfew, in the Forbidden Forest no less, and engaging in immoral activities. Such actions can only harm the reputation of your House.”

Because that’s what’s important here, not the risk of us getting eaten by an Acromantula or something. I’m trying to avoid looking at the Headmaster – not because I’m embarrassed, but because of the godawful Hannah Montana-themed robe he has on. It has _rhinestones_ on it. Is this some attempt to relate with the students? The worst part of it is several copies of Miley Cyrus staring at me from behind his beard. I miss most of the rest of the lecture.

Draco and I both get a week’s detention for ‘inappropriate conduct.’ I crawl out of bed the next morning to find an empty classroom and listen to the most depressing records I have. Tracey and Daphne find me a while later and drag me to breakfast.

“Don’t want any.”

Tracey waves a glass under my nose. “It’s blood orange juice – your favourite!” I seize the life-giving fluid and chug it down.

“Better,” says Daphne. “Now how was it?”

“Huh?”

“It’s all over the school that you got caught shagging Malfoy in the Forbidden Forest. We want details.”

“Okay, okay.” I gesture for them to gather in close and whisper, “He put his thingy in my you-know-what and then we did it.”

“Oh, come on.”

I give Tracey a flat look. “That information is worth far more than a glass of juice.”

Someone clears their throat behind me. I turn around; it takes me a moment to recognise Harry Potter. He’s swapped his glasses for red contacts and ditched his ragbag clothes for a punk look. It’s totally hot and I might be getting a ladyboner.

“Um, hi,” he says. “I was wondering if we could listen to your music sometime? Me and Hermione want to show Ron the good stuff.”

“I see you’re a man of culture.”

He looks aside. “You don’t mind all the rumors that I’m evil or delusional?”

As if a Slytherin worth their salt would believe everything they hear. “You took a Killing Curse and you’re still walking; you’re obviously undead. I’m going to call you Vampire from now on.”


	4. Chapter 4

Vampire (“At least it’s better than Scarhead”) and his two friends join me in my lair. 

“What albums do you you have in your collection?” asks Hermione.

“Green Day, Nirvana, My Chemical Romance – you know, the classics. Also, Joel Madden is, like, the hottest thing ever.”

Hermione snorts. “That’s objectively untrue. David Bowie is way hotter.” Her parents must have let her watch Labyrinth unsupervised, and it’s warped her mind.

“So, you like it old school, huh?” I can work with that. “You could totally rock black lace and velvet. Maybe an antique cameo.”

“I’d look like Bloody Mary … I’ve just earned a nickname, haven’t I?”

I just grin.

The empty classroom turns into a music club hangout. It starts with just the five of us; Draco and Harry are pretending they still hate each other after breaking up last year, but they’re totally into each other, I can tell. I nickname Ron ‘Diablo’ for his red hair and he promptly dyes it black, the git.

Then other students start dropping in – mostly Muggleborn, a few purebloods. I don’t care, as long as they dress Goth and love music. Even Hagrid comes by; he has a thing for Rammstein and can really pull off biker leathers. This is turning into the best year


	5. Chapter 5

“It must be bad if you’ve got Linkin Park on.”

I roll away from Bloody Mary and hide my head under a pillow. “Frigg off.”

“Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, if you don’t sit up and participate in this conversation I shall shove this blood pop up your nose.”

I peek. She’s holding the pop alarmingly close to my face. “You are as ruthless as your namesake.” I sit up, take the blood pop and put it in my mouth.

“What’s got you moping, Ennie?”

“Draco keeps going on about the hickey Vampire gave him one time.”

Bloody Mary tilts her head. “So, Draco is making out with both you and with Harry, who you also think is hot. I’m not quite seeing the problem here.”

“The problem is that Draco keeps trying to make us fight over him.” All I want is a threesome with two hot guys, is that too much to ask?

Bloody Mary nods. “I’ll talk to Harry, he can sort Draco out. _You_ are going to get some fresh air. Go wander gothically among the leafless trees, or some such.”

Soon I’m strolling through the edges of the Forbidden Forest. Draco and I had our first time somewhere around here; I wonder if I can get Vampire to do the same.

“ _Ebony …_ ” A figure appears in front of me. Black robed, pale, hairless – was this Voldemort? How the hell had he gotten past the Hogwarts wards? What could he possibly want with me?

“I have a job for you, little girl,” he hisses. “You’re going to kill Harry Potter, or else I shall kill your lover Draco.”

I gasp. This is, like, my worst nightmare … wait. “Riddikulus!”

Voldemort is now wearing Dumbledore’s Hannah Montana robe. That doesn’t help, because that robe is terrifying on its own. “Riddikulus!”

Now Voldemort’s head is bedazzled. With sparkly pink and purple rhinestones. I snicker, and the Dark Lord puffs into smoke and disappears. I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m being watched.

*** 

At the parapets of one of Hogwarts’ many towers, Snape lowers a pair of omnioculars from his eyes. “It seems we have a student out of bounds. Lupin, cease your masticating,”

Lupin tucks the chew toy into his pocket with a guilty look. Snape huffs and sweeps down the tower stairs.


	6. Chapter 6

I don’t see much of Draco for a few days he’s sulking (sorry, _swooning with existential dread_ ) so I mostly hang out with Vampire and Bloody Mary. Not quite enough for a mosh pit, but maybe if we got the whole school involved … My MCR album is close to being done and I’m shuffling my vinyl collection to pick the next one, when Dumbledore bursts into the music room.

“Ebony, what have you done?”

“Ere now.” Hagrid rises from his chair in the corner. “I been supervisin’ these kids, not one of ‘em has done anythin’ wrong.”

Dumbledore puts on his concerned frown. “Earlier today, Mr Malfoy was discovered in his bed, bleeding heavily from his wrists.”

I’m horrified as I realize what has happened – Draco stole my cosmetic charm, the prat! Wrists dripping blood is _my_ look! Dumbledore continues, “He subsequently disappeared from the Hospital Wing and is no longer on Hogwarts grounds.”

Maybe Draco noticed that he’s an unoriginal copycat and fled in shame. “Why would you think I have anything to do with it, though?”

“Miss Way, as you are frequently seen in the company of Mr Malfoy – ”

“Oi, I spend just as much time with him,” says Vampire. “Is it that I’m a Gryffindor and she’s a Slytherin?”

Hagrid looms over us all. “Yer takin this too far, Perfessor.”

“Rubeus, may I remind you that Hogwarts staff must remain objective – ”

“I may be a Hogwarts teacher, but I’m also a metalhead!” roars Hagrid. “Ennie’s like a little sister to me, she wouldn’t hurt a fly.” 

Talk about having a big brother. Just then, Vampire crumpled to the ground, clutching his head. “Harry, what’s wrong?” asked Bloody Mary.

“Voldemort … has him … bondage,” he gasps.

“Who? Draco?” He nods frantically. Draco kidnapped by Voldemort? I stand stunned while Dumbledore whisks Vampire out of the room. The phonograph stops playing and I automatically move over to wind it up. Linkin Park isn’t enough to deal with this. Maybe something German.

“Ere, somethin’ to cheer ye up.” Hagrid grips his umbrella, mutters a spell, and conjures a bouquet of roses which he presents to me.

“Flowers? Do I look like a prep to you?”

“Wait fer it.” The roses burst into purple flames and wither into skulls. Now that’s more like it.

“You’re my favourite biker big brother.”


	7. Chapter 7

Hours later, there’s still no word about Draco. I march up to the headmaster’s office to at least see if Vampire is coming to dinner, and I guess the password on the first try (Blood pop). Dumbledore is sitting at his desk writing in a Hannah Montana notebook; maybe he’s just a fan? The glare from its glitter is blinding. Vampire is lying on a sofa with an ice pack on his head.

“What’s the plan to rescue Draco?” I ask.

Dumbledore steeples his fingers. “You must have patience, Miss Way. One must consider the needs of the many as well as the needs of the individual …”

“Oh, I see how it is.” Always leaving Slytherins to fend for themselves. I’m half expecting him to mutter ‘I never liked him that much anyway.’

Vampire grabs my elbow. “Let’s go, Ennie.” He steers me down the stairs and into an empty classroom. I’m still fuming.

“We have to do something. Draco is in danger!”

“I know,” says Vampire. “I have an idea.” He makes a chirping sound, and Fawkes flames into the room. “Keep your wand ready, and hang on tight.”

Fawkes drops us right in the chamber where Draco is chained shirtless to the wall. I don’t get a chance to enjoy the view; although Voldemort isn’t there, his rat-faced minion is.

“Wormtail!” growls Vampire. “I’ll distract him; Ennie, get Draco loose.”

Wormtail leers at me. “Hey, girl, want to stay and play? I could have a lot of _fun_ with you.”

Ew, ew, ew! I vanish Draco’s chains and haul him aside while Vampire hexes Wormtail. I distract myself from the pervert by ogling Draco’s six-pack (more like _sex_ -pack, am I right?) and it works long enough for Fawkes to deliver us back to the doors of Hogwarts.

“Ennie, are you ok?” asks Vampire.

“I’ll never be ok,” I say flatly. “That slimy rat, ugh. I’m going to have nightmares. About, like, Snape recording me in the shower and Lupin masturbating to it – ” I open the door and Snape is standing right there, looking less than amused.

“You ludicrous _fools._ ” He steps forward, his cloak billowing. “Such recklessness is inevitable from Mr Potter, but as a Slytherin, Miss Way, I expect better from you.” He conjures a stretcher for Draco. “I shall see Mr Malfoy to the Hospital Wing, and then you shall both accompany me to the headmaster’s office.”

“But – ”

“Silence, Miss Way. If you are fortunate, you may be released from detention before the end of the year.”

Vampire gives me a sympathetic glance; I don’t respond. My life is ruined, and it’s all Voldemort’s fault!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This covers up to about chapter 14 of My Immortal, or the first third. I may eventually do the rest of it but honestly, my brain needed a break. Let the flaming commence!
> 
> Big thanks to everyone reading this; whether goth or perp, cottagecore or dark academia, you're all wonderful ;)
> 
> See you next week for something completely different!


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